


when I'm down, you'll always know

by lifewasradical



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Ashton is just good that's it, Existential Angst, General Numbness, Hurt/Comfort, I don't even really know what to tag this, M/M, Sad Luke, Wow that's a tag I didn't know existed, implied depression, mention of not eating intentionally
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-12
Updated: 2020-10-12
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:22:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,770
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26960608
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lifewasradical/pseuds/lifewasradical
Summary: Luke couldn’t explain how he ended up laying across the floor in his bedroom, staring up at the ceiling in silence, counting the freckled dots across the plaster. He couldn’t remember most of the day anyways, lost in a haze of empty thoughts and mindless nothingness.Or, Luke is having a numb day and Ashton is there to help, like always.
Relationships: Luke Hemmings/Ashton Irwin
Comments: 4
Kudos: 40





	when I'm down, you'll always know

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this in a weird mind space over the course of the past 10 hours and just needed to get it out in the universe I guess. It was literally titled "lying on the floor" for the entirety of the writing process. Basically no plot other than existential crisis Luke and depression themes. I don't really know. Enjoy? Maybe?
> 
> Title from Bathwater by Tonight Alive

Luke couldn’t explain how he ended up laying across the floor in his bedroom, staring up at the ceiling in silence, counting the freckled dots across the plaster. He couldn’t remember most of the day anyways, lost in a haze of empty thoughts and mindless nothingness.

Time passed by slower than ever when Luke was in this mindset, seconds lasting hours and days feeling like years. When there was nothing to look forwards to, everything seemed a little bit irrelevant, no reason to get up, function as a human. No reason to respond to messages, interact with others, or bring himself outside. The mail would wait for another day, as would the dishes in the sink.

Luke’s back was starting to ache, a dull reminder that he was alive, breathing in and out to force air into his lungs against his own will. The carpeting itched his forearms as he took in the silence, willing himself to feel something again. Hours spent vertically lessened the burden, somehow.

The worst part about these moods was that they weren’t caused by anything. There was no catastrophic event that pulled his mind apart, no reasoning to blame the empty chest on. His brain simply decided that there was no reason to function anymore, no rational explanation for the unsettling emptiness. It was another normal day, just like any other, with no need for a complete breakdown.

Luke’s phone buzzed from its spot on the floor, screen lighting up with notifications that he didn’t want to read. There was nothing important enough for him to check the device, no matter who was on the other side. They could wait.

Somewhere in the distance, Luke heard the front door open, then close, softly as if the intruder didn’t want to disturb the eerie silence of the home. Luke listened to light footsteps track through the house, room to room in search of something. In the back of his mind, Luke wished the intruder was a robber, a murderer, something just to get his adrenaline pumping. Instead, his heartbeat stayed steady, a thump thump rhythm blocking his eardrums.

Too soon, yet not soon enough, the mysterious person reached the stairs, each beam creaking under the human’s weight as they stalked up the steps. Luke willed his brain to care, even a shred, about the potential of doom ahead of him, but instead, his mind remained uncaring to the world.

“Luke?” a soft voice echoed, obstructed a bit by the wooden door between them. “I’m coming in, I hope you’re decent.”

Luke didn’t even have to question who the voice belonged to, the cadence giving them away immediately. He wanted to be relieved, thankful even, that someone had come to check up on him, but instead he remained unpleasantly numb.

Ashton entered the room, scanning it briefly before fixing his eyes on the man laying across the floor. With an almost disappointed sigh, Ashton lowered himself to the ground next to Luke pinkies just barely touching in an effort to anchor Luke to the moment.

“Hey,” Ashton started, breaking the silence. A long beat passed with neither of them speaking, simply breathing the same air and fighting for what to say next. Ashton settled for “I texted you, but you didn’t answer, so I let myself in.”

Luke hummed noncommittally, acknowledging Ashton’s presence but simply unable to force his throat to contract to make a proper noise.

“Did you get any sleep last night?” Ashton asked, pinkie drawing tiny circles into the flesh on Luke’s wrist. The sensation itched Luke’s skin, tickling lightly in a way that should have been annoying but was so deeply Ashton that he didn’t actually mind it at all. His presence was calming, almost helping to bring Luke out of his daze.

“A bit,” Luke breathed, the slightly scratching feeling brought him comfort, a reminder that he probably should drink some water, but he was in control of his own pain. He hadn’t spoken since he placed himself on the floor, unable to do anything but lay in silence. No music, no sounds, just breathing.

“When’s the last time you ate?” Ashton followed, turning his head to the side to look over at Luke.

Luke shrugged the best he could from his spot on the ground, holding his eyes closed to avoid the other man’s stare. He believed he would find nothing but pity in the glance, something Luke would be unable to handle at this given time. He already felt like shit for not doing a single thing all day but seeing someone else disappointed in him would probably crush him.

“Yesterday?” Luke questioned, unable to remember what happened this morning, let alone the night before. His stomach churned in distaste, clenching painfully around nothing at the mere thought of having to ingest anything.

“Do you think we could go get something?” Ashton asked, trailing his fingers down Luke’s wrist, lightly tracing up and down each finger.

Luke inhaled deeply, tensing slightly, then releasing his shoulders completely. “Do we have to?” Luke whispered, clenching his eyes closed harder. Bursts of colored stars twinkled behind his eyelids, lighting up the darkness.

“No, I suppose we don’t, but I think it might be smart for us to get up and go downstairs. Maybe we could do that?” Ashton reasoned, interlacing his pinkie with Luke’s, settling his palm down against the other’s.

For the first time since Ashton arrived, Luke opened his eyes. He turned his head to the right, immediately coming in contact with Ashton’s stare. A shiver ran down Luke’s spine, his brain wanting desperately for him to close his eyes, turn away, cower. He anticipated finding disappointment, disdain, embarrassment there, but instead there was nothing but simple adoration, laced with a small hint of fearfulness.

“I guess we can go downstairs,” Luke reasoned, steeling himself to sit upright for the first time in hours. The blood rushed to his brain, making him slightly dizzy for a moment. Ashton’s hand found his shoulder, pressing slightly to ground him in the moment, remind him that he was not alone. Luke was thankful for that.

Ashton lead the way to the living room, gesturing slightly for Luke to sit on the couch. “I’ll be back in a minute,” he explained, leaving Luke to stand in the middle of the room, a stranger in his own house, uncomfortable in his own skin and unsure how to act.

Ashton returned with a bottle of water and some pretzels; shoes discarded in the time it took him to gather his supplies. Luke had situated himself against the plush cushions, pressed so far back into the couch that he was enveloped in the material, blanket all but covering his entire body.

“Here, I know you don’t want to, but at least take a sip, for me?” Ashton asked, holding the bottle out for Luke. With a resigned sigh, Luke obliged, uncapping the bottle and taking down some of the liquid, washing away the slight scratch that had taken residence in his throat. He hated to admit when Ashton was right, the spoiled nature of being the youngest laced into every fiber of his being, while the big brother nature drove Ashton’s actions.

Ashton took his place on the other half of the couch, legs folded up underneath him, a pleased smile gracing his lips. Luke would down the whole bottle of water in an instant to make Ashton continue to smile like that forever.

Luke crawled across the couch, landing very ungracefully against Ashton’s thighs, head falling to its rightful place on his lap. On instinct, Ashton’s hand fell to card through Luke’s curls, working carefully through the knots and snarls caused by Luke not taking care of himself today. 

“God, where would I be without you,” Luke choked, swallowing down the tears that had taken up residence in his eyes. The sudden rush of emotions swelled in his chest, a mix of conflicting feelings pushing for priority. Appreciation, desperation, calm, acceptance, all tied together with the all-encompassing love that he held for Ashton.

“Good thing you’ll never have to know, hmm?” Ashton offered, scratching slightly at Luke’s scalp. Luke blinked furiously, fighting every urge to reach up and wipe at his eyes. He didn’t want to ruin the moment they had created here, to dig up some emotions he might not be ready to vocalize.

“You say that now,” he whispered, his brain betraying him with thoughts he didn’t want to talk about. He knew Ashton would never leave him, knew it so deep in his heart that he could swear that notion had been there since the moment that they met, all those years ago. He couldn’t stomach the idea of going through life without the other man, unable to even reason with himself that he was an independent human. Luke’s entire existence depended on Ashton’s presence; he was his anchor, his tether, his safety net.

“Please don’t start that,” Ashton begged, “you know it would be absolutely impossible for me to exist with out you.”

Luke simply hummed in response, no longer trusting his voice to hold steady through any other admissions. The warmth of being needed by Ashton, by the person Luke also needed the most, thawed through some of the ice freezing his brain. The sudden onset of emotions flooded Luke, unable to keep them at bay any longer.

The first tear fell slowly, testing the path down his cheek in preparation for the rest. The following flowed faster, trailing quickly down the slope of Luke’s cheekbones, pooling at the bottom of his face where it was resting against Ashton’s thigh. The overwhelming appreciation for the man he was laying with took over every sense he had, reminding him slowly that there were things to be human for, to get up for.

Ashton shushed him softly, running a knuckle along the bags lining Luke’s eyes. Luke’s tears only fell faster, hiccups joining them in their path to freedom.“I- I’m sorry, I just- I just felt so n-numb today,” Luke sobbed, the spaces between the words saying more. Ashton understood it all, unsaid words and all. He always understood.

“And when you feel numb, you know I’m right there with you. I’m always right there with you, Luke.”

Luke didn’t say another word as Ashton simply continued his path through Luke’s curls, a gentle reminder that he was there. Ashton was always there when Luke needed him the most, even when Luke didn’t know it himself, even when he thought he didn’t want him there. Even in Luke’s darkest moments, Ashton was there.

**Author's Note:**

> Talk to me on Tumblr [lifewasradical](https://lifewasradical.tumblr.com)


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